How My Experiment With Sparring Again Turned Out

My wife says she has "nothing nice to say to me" about the incident last night. My friend The Hulk says he's going to kick me next time he sees me.

So I'm not a very popular guy right now in certain circles.

What I did was try out sparring in my boxing class--and, in the process, I twisted my trick knee again. I was hoping sparring would be okay because you don't kick in boxing, and kickboxing is how I tore my ACL in the spring.

However, last night I twisted my knee anyway when I was moving by placing my foot improperly. Since I no longer have an ACL to hold my knee in place--and despite tons of exercise meant to strengthen all the muscles around my knee--my knee bended in a funky direction and I dropped down to the floor in pain. End of sparring.

Today, I'm using the RICE method of treating the knee and generally taking it easy.

Why did I try sparring again? Because I find sparring to be life-affirming for me--I challenge my fears, I test my skill against another person in a controlled setting. Getting ready for sparring was exciting: the trainer actually put vaseline on my face, which of course you see in real boxing matches, and put some on our gloves as well.

I was sparring with Kenny, a young man who's much stronger than me (though I may be in equal or better cardio condition). He's studied boxing for a year (and took two years of karate when he was young, which he said helped keep him out of fights by boosting his confidence--he didn't feel the need to fight.) He was really good. He moved his head very well, and I found him a tough target to hit with my jab. He hopes to go into the Golden Gloves.

Since I had been able to train in boxing without hurting my knee, I truly hoped that I wouldn't get hurt during sparring. I was wrong. We didn't even finish the first round before I twisted my knee.

I could conceivably get a metal brace made for my knee. I do think my sparring days are over unless I go through another ACL reconstruction operation. If I did, I would likely opt for an allograft, since the biggest remaining problems from my prior surgery are from the incision to remove part of my patellar tendon to use as a graft. All in all, I'd rather not do the surgery, which would be painful, expensive and take me out of commission for months.

So today I have a stiff knee--I do hope and expect from experience that my mobility will increase with rest and time--and a couple of close people really mad at me. I do hope and expect from experience that issue will also improve with time.

The Boxer As Martial Artist

Would I still be a middle-aged martial artist if I were a boxer?

I ask because now a second doctor has told me that kicking without an ACL is not a good idea--at least, kicking hard is a bad idea. And I'm finding myself drawn to the idea of taking up boxing as an amazing form of exercise, and perhaps eventually for sparring.

A week ago, I saw a physiatrist--a doctor of physical medicine and rehabilitation. My thought was that he would be less focused on surgery, more on recovery, and would be a good judge of what I can and can't do physically without an ACL.

Among other things, he tested the strength of my leg, to see if the muscles around the knee can stand in, to some extent, for a missing ACL. His judgment: "You're stronger than you look." Uh, thanks, Doc...I think....

He explained that one of the risks of kicking hard with my injured leg, even against a bag, is that without an ACL, the knee will travel too far--and in the long run, that would put me at risk of arthritis. And I know I don't want to kick while putting weight on my injured leg, which is how I got hurt in the first place.

Also not good ideas: tennis, basketball, soccer--sports involving a lot of cutting movement. Wrestling/grappling are out as well.

What activities can I do? He said running, sprinting, even sprinting up stairs are fine--as long as I don't bend my leg too far by, say, taking multiple steps in one bound.

As for martial arts, he suggested ones that don't involve kicking--wing chun, for instance.

I asked about boxing. He said that would be okay as well. I would need to be sure, when stepping to the side, that I put my foot flat on the mat. Stepping on the outside or inside of my foot would re-injure my knee (I think that's what happened when I twisted my knee again just trying to sit in a confined space). He even said he thought I could jump rope, a favorite boxing workout, if  I did so on a cushioned surface and not a hard floor.

I know that boxing workouts are amazing exercise (I once took a trial class at a cool downtown Manhattan gym called Trinity Boxing Club, but I'm too far away now to attend there). My friend Tracy Hutt swears by them.

One of the instructors at my school was saying that I could focus on boxing instead of kicking in class, and I may try that. But it's looking more and more like I will be boxing for exercise in the near future.

Friday the 13th Tale

My return visit to my orthopedic surgeon today was inauspiciously timed.

He bent my leg, shook it, made sure I realized it wasn't healthy, and rendered his verdict: If I lead an active life, eventually I'm not going to be happy with my knee and I'll come back for surgery. "You're not a potato on the couch," he said. He even said activities like running and sprinting--which don't involve cutting, pivoting or torquing the knee--would lead to knee pain, an assertion that left me, frankly, surprised and dubious.

My verdict: I'm continuing with physical therapy, and I'm going to see a physical medicine and rehab physician--a physiatrist--to see get suggestions on how to stay active without surgery.

No doubt, my body is conspiring against me. I caught a cold a week ago, which restricted my exercise and even PT; I twisted my knee again two weeks ago in an unlucky accident. (My orthopedic surgeon said a torn ACL used to be known as a "trick knee" that "went out" every once in a while. I've heard the term before.)

I take heart from a 2010 New York Times article, cited originally by in the Just A Thought blog, that cited research saying people with ACL tears who had physical therapy alone had improvements after two years comparable to people who had ACL surgery. The PT-only group had knees that were less stable, but that instability didn't seem to be a big deal. The study authors were quoted in the article:

there is no apparent downside of starting a good rehab program and waiting with the surgery decision to see if it is needed or not.

I figure that a physiatrist is much more likely to know what I can do, how much I can do, and how to do it safely with a torn ACL. My appointment is a week from tomorrow; I wish it were tomorrow.

That said, I do feel--and I sweat somewhat saying this in a martial arts blog--for the time being, I must interrupt my mixed martial arts training. I've suffered grievous injury twice to my knees from kicking or being swept in mixed martial arts, and that's a fact that looms very large at the moment.

The thought occurs to me that boxing might be a way of giving myself a similarly intense workout to mixed martial arts, but without kicking or sweeping. It might even offer me a way of continuing to spar, which has challenged and enlivened me in mixed martial arts (though I'd definitely want to talk to the physiatrist about whether and how to do that--e.g., would I need a knee brace?).

I'm facing lots of questions; I don't know where this journey will end up. The next step, when I get up from writing this entry, will be to do another set of physical therapy exercises, and to continue to be patient.

Steps Forward, Back--Sideways

On Friday, I twisted the heck out of my knee again--just trying to sit down in a confined space. My foot got caught on something so when I put my weight on my right leg, the foot wasn't under the knee--and so my missing ACL wasn't there to keep my knee from twisting. Very painful. Rest, ice, compression, elevation.

I took a couple of days off from PT at home, and have since resumed. I haven't trained at my school, though I've done the elliptical machine at the gym (and some of the PT is real strength training for my legs).

It's worrisome to me that I could re-injure my leg just trying to sit down.

On Friday the 13th, I'm going back to the doctor, following a month of PT, to see what he says and, I suspect, order a brace. Then I have to decide what I will do.

Facing Uncertainty with Patience

It's going to take patience to work through this ACL tear and figure out what I can and should do.

On Friday morning, I got the diagnosis from my doctor--complete ACL tear in my right knee, plus meniscus damage.

My leg isn't painful except when I bend it too far (meniscus) or I step in a way the knee becomes unstable (ACL). It's more my brain that's sore.

My doctor, who had performed ACL reconstruction surgery on my left knee four years ago, said Friday morning he expected that without an ACL, I could run and eventually probably even sprint--which I'd been doing lately for conditioning. The day before, I had gone on an elliptical machine for 22 minutes, and my leg felt fine at the time. It was a little sore an hour later, which a naproxen took care of. My doctor thought that activity was fine, and said the knee is still healing from the initial incident.

However, while running is okay, he thinks that martial arts would put me at risk of further damage to the knee, which is unstable without an ACL, because martial arts involves torquing the knee. A knee brace wouldn't help with torquing.

I don't want to have ACL reconstruction surgery again. I simply can't afford the time away from work and life it would require right now; in any case, the doctor said the knee needs to heal before surgery, so there's no rush.

The reason my head hurts is that, while I don't want to do ACL surgery, I also do want to continue training.

My martial arts instruction got me into shape; it taught me to face up to my fears; to face up to conflict instead of avoiding it; that getting hit just means I'm still in the fight; that I can protect myself. These are all extremely important things to me, body and soul.

I could maintain my conditioning even if I gave up martial arts. But I would be leaving behind a crucial part of my life if I had to give up my school due to my injury.

I have decided to respond with patience.

I'm going to do physical therapy for a month to strengthen the muscles around the knee to compensate for the lack of an ACL. I'm going to discuss with the therapist, or perhaps even a physiatrist, what activities I can safely do.

I'm going to very carefully try to take certain martial arts classes. On Friday evening, I took a "core" class that entails a bag workout and physical and strength conditioning, but no sparring. I was very careful; my knee was a little sore afterward but fine. Oddly, one of the most difficult things in class was some of the stretching at the beginning.

I'm going to have to leave grappling behind, which I'm fine about.

I would like to carefully, carefully try out sparring, including being selective about partners. I will probably be boxing more than kickboxing--a shame since my kicks were pretty good.

I'll see how my leg does. I'll talk about my situation to doctors and others (including a remarkable classmate who does train without an ACL).

I'll give it time.

"Complete Tear of the Proximate Anterior Cruciate Ligament...."

"MRI of the right knee demonstrates a complete tear of the proximate anterior cruciate ligament with osteochondral impaction injury of the lateral condyle and bone contusion of the lateral proximal tibia. Complex tear of the posterior horn medial meniscus involving both aeticular surfaces with associated posteromedial capsular sprain and small joint effusion"

three Letters

My doctor, after examining my leg today, uttered my three least favorite letters: A C L. He suspects a tear. Not to mention meniscus damage. MRI on Wednesday. I feel downcast--but still determined to find a way through. One thing I don't want: Another ACL reconstruction.

Twisted Knee

I am thinking this blog should be perhaps renamed "The Middle-Aged Martial Artist's Knee."

On Friday evening, at my sparring class, I twisted my right knee (it's the left knee that got the ACL reconstruction). It was immediately and extremely painful; I dropped to the floor on my back and had to discontinue the class.

I was sparring with a young brown belt, and I used a punch-move-kick combination I'd been working on for a few weeks. At the end of the combination, I pivot and step slightly to my right and throw what, for me anyway, is a relatively high kick--into the opponent's midsection. My younger opponent grabbed my leg (I wasn't kicking very hard) and held it.

So my entire weight was on my right knee, while I was standing, rather like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, stretched out horizontally on top of it. Either through his torque or my falling or both, my right knee torqued/twisted, and down goes Bob.

I've been resting, elevating, icing the knee and taking anti-inflammatory painkillers since then, and the knee feels better. It's still tender, hurts when twisting at all, and hurts when I bend it a significant distance.

I don't think the ACL is torn. My biggest worry is that my restricted range of motion when bending the knee suggests I've got a meniscus tear.

Injuries are always frustrating.

Right now I feel I'm in my best shape in years. I've been supplementing my martial arts training with running two or three days a week on the treadmill at the gym at work (which doesn't cut into time at home). Lately I've been trying to do interval work on the treadmill--sprint, run, sprint, etc.

My weight is down to 185-187 pounds (about 84 kg); to put into context, I'm about 6'2" or 188 cm. While my grappling has been very frustratingly bad, I've been making real strides my sparring, which is my main interest, after being on a plateau for a long time. A new assistant instructor at my school has noted my eagerness to improve and has taken me under his wing with good results.

My hope is that I will be able to return soon to running and to my martial arts classes (though I shudder to think what kneeling for grappling would feel like). I'm hoping with time I'll have less restrictions on my range of motion; already it seems to be improving, though I did try squatting this morning and had to let out a gasp when it hurt to get low.

Right now I'd really prefer not to go the route of surgery.

If anybody has any experience that could shed light on what to expect, I'd love to hear about it.

How Nervous Was I?

A fellow student asked me how nervous I was when I tested and finally got my black belt in May. A little background is necessary, because this was my third test.

The first time I tested, I was so nervous that I went to the ATM the day before, and left the cash in the ATM machine. Fortunately the ATM sucked the money back before somebody else came along. However, a Joshu at our school heard about it, and at the test was telling me how he had a free trip to the test because he "went up to the ATM, and some idiot had left $100 in it." He was joking with me because he was trying to get me relaxed. I went to that test with my friend the Hulk, and we both had the classic signs of nervousness--cotton mouth, multiple trips to the bthroom, etc. I passed self defense moves at the test, but didn't get all the way to the kickboxing and grappling.

The next time I tested, in November 2007, I was definitely nervous, but doing much better than the previous time. Although, I think the day before, I went to the ATM, took the money...and left my card in the machine. It also got sucked back in, so nobody drained my bank account.

It was at that November test that my ACL got destroyed, and I had to quit with about three minutes left. The afore-metioned Joshu, who's a real card, was telling me he wasn't surprised I didn't pass, because my wife "told him" that I "never lasted four minutes between the legs with anybody." This time he was trying to cheer me up.

I was enjoying the test up until I got hurt--in particular, I enjoyed the stand-up kickboxing part of the test. I think because I had been to one tournament previously, I was less nervous about it.

When I went for my third time last month, I looked, on the surface, fairly calm, I think. But I was nervous underneath. The day before the test, I showed up to meet someone an hour earlier than I was supposed to and left in confusion.

On the day of the test, my knee was a bit sore, and I didn't really know whether it was because I hurt it a bit training for the test, or whether my knee was "nervous" about returning to the scene of its injury. The hardest part of the test was waiting while the other candidates went through all the parts I had previously passed. I definitely had "fight or flight" syndrome. Once I got on the mat for grappling, it was a relief--and at that point, I started having fun.

I guess the pattern is, the anticipation is terrifying, but the test itself is often fun.

An Old Familiar Feeling

There's good news and bad news today.

The good news is that I feel my conditioning and grappling are getting better and better, even after my successful completion of the black belt test two weeks ago.

The bad news is that my right knee--the "good" one--is giving me pain and stiffness with normal bending. It's definitely not an ACL tear, thank goodness, because the knee is strong and stable.

But when I tore my ACL two and a half years ago, I also tore my meniscus, which gave me pain and stiffness when bending my leg--similar to what I'm feeling now. In recovery terms, it was a sideshow to the ACL.

I'm probably going to call the doctor who did my ACL surgery to have him look at it.

I don't recall a moment when I hurt my knee recently. I figure it was in the run-up to the test or the test itself. I recall telling my friend Larry that my knee was hurting a bit the week after the test, and he said, yeah, sometimes you get hurt at the test but don't realize it because of all the adrenaline.

The running, specifically sprinting, I've been doing has been good for my cardio. On Saturday, I sprinted early in the morning, then took two hours of classes beginning at noon. My quads were sore, and my right knee; but I held up fine through the classes. In grappling I twice got the back of Warren, one of the sampais my age, who was exhausted, and I got him to tap out once. Usually Warren gives me a really hard time in grappling.

But today, Sunday, I changed my plans and I'm not sprinting. I'm worried that it will make my knee worse.

There does seem to be a cycle, particularly in middle age, where you get near the peak of your condition, and some injury forces you to start over again.

We'll see what happens this time. At the least, a meniscus tear (if that's what it is) isn't nearly as big a problem as an ACL.

Sempai BobSpar

I'm sore, I'm tired, but I'm elated--I got my black belt today.

It's been almost two and a half years since I last tested. That was when my ACL got snapped in two.

I felt like my mind was somewhat calm (if worried) coming into the test, but my body was very anxious. And while my mind was worried about things like failing in front of people, my body was anxious about my knee. My left knee was hurting walking down the steps of the terraced parking lot to the test site, at a college in suburban New Jersey.

I was in what we called the "geriatric ring," a station for people 35 and older. I'm not entirely certain, but I believe that, at 52, I was the oldest candidate in the group. Most of the candidates seemed to be in their 40s, and maybe a few were late 30s.

I flew through the pushups; the situps were tougher because I was told I needed to get down lower, touching more of my lower back to the mat.

Then I waited, and waited, and waited. All the other candidates had to go through all the parts of the test I passed before. While waiting, I struggled with the "fight or flight" reaction--I had to keep telling myself, you've done this before, you've been grappling hard, you've learned a lot, go in there when it's time and go for it.

The following is very technical about grappling, sorry! If you wish to skip the detail, please go to the final two paragraphs.

When it was time for grappling--before which I stretched and did pushups to get my body warm--I was initially paired with the person I thought was the weakest opponent. I told myself, don't assume he's not tough. But I did feel that if I didn't do well against him, it would be troubling to me and the judges.

All the work in recent weeks I've put into grappling paid off. There were so many things I did that I only learned while in my training for this test in the past two or three months. I went in, as Steve suggested, with a plan for what to do in each position, and I executed it. With this first opponent, I ended up getting him to tap out twice--once in a chicken wing from when I had him in my guard, and once with an L-lock when I had swept him and mounted him. (Addendum: In retrospect, I think I tapped him out a third time in a guillotine.)

My confidence soared--I was off to a good start.

Then came the second four-minute match. This opponent, another brown belt, was much tougher--very strong in the standup part. I got a bruise below my left eye that I didn't notice until someone pointed out afterward, but I'm sure it was from his head.

But I did pull him into my guard, and got him in a chicken wing. He fought it pretty well, but finally had to tap out. I felt terrific.

We stood up, went at it again. He started to grab my leg, and I pulled him into the guard again. I think what happened (amazing how much you can forget) is that I swept him, got him in a mount, and when he turned to his side to protect his arm, I went for an arm bar.

Unfortunately, I gave him enough room to slip out of it and go for an arm bar against me, which he got. I tapped quickly once he got it in tight--I had no interest in dropping out because my arm was broken.

Once more, standing up, he was more wary about me, but I pulled him into the guard again, and got him in a kimura lock again (which can lead to the chicken wing). He fought it well, and we ran out of time.

I was elated to hear that I (and everyone who had made it that far) got our belts. There were a few people from my local school there who congratulated me. I called my wife and daughter (my wife was too traumatized from seeing me hurt the last time to attend this one, though she provided ample moral support).

I was far from perfect. Sempai Chance, who had given me a lesson Friday, said I was trying to sit straight up from my guard to do the sweep, rather than turning to my side first. I lost putting my second opponent into an arm bar because I gave him room to get out.

I have so much left to learn. And that's one definition of a black belt--a serious martial arts student.

But I attacked and defended well enough to show that I knew what I was doing well enough to pass.

I'm grateful to all the people (including readers of this blog) who encouraged me on the way. I am grateful to my sensei; at the end of the day, I asked him to honor me by putting my belt on for the first time, which he was happy to do.

It's been a long road since that awful moment when my ACL ripped on the grappling mat. I wouldn't say that the black belt or ACL recovery are the most difficult things I've ever done, tough as they are. Trying to be a good father and husband in this imperfect and disruptive world is harder and far more important. But it's encouraging and thrilling to be able to say that, just days short of my 53rd birthday, having recovered from ACL surgery two years earlier, I got my black belt.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

I'm going to one of those seven-day-a-week doc offices today, Sunday, because it's been four weeks since my cold and I still have sinus pressure, congestion, a cough, and low energy. I suspect sinusitis piggybacked on my cold. The continuing low energy has made it hard to do more than minimal training.

I like my regular doctor, but she doesn't have office hours on the weekend, and it's very disruptive to try to take time off from work to see her during the week.

Meanwhile, in other doctor news, my buddy The Hulk got two MRIs of his left knee and leg done AFTER his black belt test. His leg was swollen, his leg kept buckling, and he had knee pain going into the test. Turns out he had a torn meniscus in two places; a torn ACL; a bone cyst; and possibly a torn hamstring. He took his grappling test despite this damage, and was told he didn't pass because, once again, at age 60, he was relying too much on his tremendous physical strength and not enough on technique. He was in pain throughout the test. He was understandably disappointed by the results. I can't blame him, he should get a frickin' medal just for showing up and not getting submitted.

He can't get his ACL operation done now because he's the owner of a business, and given the economy, the business could go under if he weren't there interacting with and retaining clients every work day. He might get a meniscus operation since the recovery is much faster.

Here's my hat off to The Hulk for his courage and persistence. I hope he takes care of himself.

Don't Compare--Chapter 17

I had a talk with my sensei Monday night because I was feeling discouraged about my grappling--and I need my grappling to get my black belt.

Besides feeling tired from my new job, I just don't feel I'm doing well compared to some others in my class.

He said:

1) Don't compare myself with others, who by definition are in different situations. (I'm re-re-relearning this lesson.)

2) He can see what I've overcome my fears about my knee getting reinjured--I had to do that before I could move on.

3) The new job is also draining me mentally, which affects what you can learn in grappling and how fast you can react.

He said to focus not on everything, but on two or three submissions from the guard and from side control, and to take a private lesson or two, which I'm going to do.

Swamped But Training

Work and home have remained busy, but I did get to three classes this past week (no classes over the Memorial Day weekend). This morning, I did a self-directed physical therapy session for my knee--push-ups (one hand on a ball for some extra work), sit-ups, then lunges with a resistance band, knee leg lifts, etc.

In class, I'm trying to concentrate on grappling, and core class for cardio and strength. While I really love sparring, I don't need that for my black belt, and it's where I re-injured my knee, so I'm taking my time about going back to it.

I put my gym membership on hold. I joined so I could get some cross training during working hours (allowing me more time at home with family), but with my new job I just can't get to the gym.

Hack Shaft is just about to return to his American Karate class after ACL surgery and rehab--we're all looking forward to his report of his return.

I spent a lot of time painting--nothing pink, only blue.

Later this week we're having a home alarm system involved. One of the things preoccupying me after our trip to Philadelphia is we did have a break-in by a confused and troubled person, so we're installing an alarm.

Happy Memorial Day, everybody.

Will Our Knees Be The Same?

Michele of Just A Thought has a thought-provoking post as she's approaching one year after ACL reconstruction surgery.

For me, her bittersweet post--her knee may never be the same, but her karate has become "a search for deeper understanding"--made me think (as I commented) on the thankfulness and regret that are my experience as I grow older and doors close.

Perspective

My wife, daughter and I will be taking a mini vacation starting today, traveling to Philadelphia to see Ansel Adams photos (Clearing Winter Storm, Yosemite National Park above) and Frida Kahlo paintings at the Philadelphia Museum, run up the steps of the museum and hold up our hands like Rocky, and do other things tourists do in Philadelphia. So no martial arts class this weekend.

I went to two "core" classes in the past two days. One day I parked in front of a nearby Lucille Roberts gym. As I was getting out of the car, a young woman came out of the gym on crutches. I wondered, of course, if she was yet another ACL recoveree.

She was missing a lot more than her ACL, it turns out. She was missing her entire right leg.

I felt so impressed that she was going to the gym--she looked like she was in good shape--and seeing her helped me put into perspective an ACL operation a year ago and a bone bruise a few weeks back.

Exercise, Socialize

I've fallen off on my training a bit, not only because of my bruised femur, but also because I've been having more of a social life lately, which isn't such a bad thing. Work has also been very busy, which again, isn't so bad in the grand scheme of things.

One corollary to having a little more social life is the occasional drink. My impression is that some people, in intense training, don't drink. One very quick Google of alcohol and exercise yields this quote: Consuming alcohol the night before an activity can hinder your performance by causing dehydration and loss of minerals and electrolytes. I think even one drink affects my athletic performance the next day. And yet a glass of red wine a day is supposed to be good for the heart. I guess, for those of us able to use moderation, it comes down to how intensely are you training. If it's intense, I probably won't drink at all.

Today I did half an hour on the elliptical machine in the afternoon, and in the evening did some leg PT, sit-ups and push-ups. Tomorrow, one of our "core" classes--shadow boxing, hitting and kicking pads, a little self defense, and LOTS of push-ups and sit-ups/crunches.

Finally, the Calzaghe-Hopkins fight Saturday night was a GREAT boxing match because it was about two minds contesting. Hopkins, the amazing 43-year-old (on the left in the photo above), had studied Calzaghe and come up with a plan, a way to fight him, a way to nullify the 36-year-old Welshman's incredible speed. After about four rounds, Calzaghe figured out how to combat Hopkins' clever plan. And Hopkins couldn't readjust, leading Calzaghe to the win.

Godoctor

3:30 PM Today: Phone call from doctor's office: There's a problem with the X-ray machine that has to be fixed, so the doctor is seeing patients at a different building.
Me: A problem with the X-ray machine? Like radiation?
DO: No, it's not a radiation problem, it just needs to be fixed.

3:40: Leave house for different office.

3:45: Return home to retrieve MRI images; try again.

4:00: Arrive at doctor's office. Find seat in packed waiting room.

5:02: Still in packed waiting room.

5:09: Speculate that people seem to be going into the doctor's offices but not coming out. Maye they're being turned into Soylent Green.

5:31: Called to exam room.

5:45: Doc comes in. Bends my leg, it bends and straightens better. Reads report, MRI place says ACL is fine, slight bone bruise on femur (upper leg bone). Doc shows me MRI, the ACL looks great, the meniscus looks okay for having been operated on, there a little blood inside the bone (bone bruise) of the femur where it's at my knee, as a result of my injury.

Doc says to take it easy for a month. Work on quads and hamstrings, and stretch hamstring. No sparring or grappling for a month; no torquing the leg for a month, but I can attend core classes (non-contact) if I don't torque the leg. If it still hurts in a month, come back. I ask about why my brace didn't prevent the injury, and he suggests having it adjusted by the brace maker.

It's a relief that nothing serious is damaged, though I would rather be able to plunge back into things.

The Pursuit of What?

My wife and I had a serious talk this morning. I wanted to talk about her comment to me that she's "concerned about this pursuit of health that leads to injuries."

I said that for me, health is a wonderful byproduct of the martial arts, but not the reason I do them.

I tried to figure out, and to explain, why I like an injury-prone activity like sparring. I think some of it is hard-wired--as Sam Sheridan says in A Fighter's Heart, you can make the evolutionary argument that in a world of conflict and risk, the strongest father benefited his family/tribe/group.

I also enjoy the self-testing of physical combat. Will I be brave? Will I cower? That's also a topic in A Fighter's Heart.

And I enjoy the technical and mental challenges to improve. Can I stay calm and see where my opponent is leaving openings? How can I set up openings with feints? Can I execute that triangle choke?

My wife said she understood it's my decision to pursue this path. But when I walked into the house after sparring two Wednesdays ago, and said I had hurt my knee, she felt both empathy for my pain, but also anger that I had gone willingly into a situation where I've gotten badly hurt before. And she said, with some trepidation, that she doesn't want to see me try to get the black belt again. It was too painful for her to see me hurt the last time.

I told her I understood that feeling. I wouldn't want to see someone I love get hurt.

I said that one reason I did martial arts was to impress my woman; that when she (and my daughter) offer me encouragement when I'm, say, doing push-ups at home, or when she talks about how I've gotten into good shape, it's very encouraging to me.

She said she understood I wanted to impress her, but felt I should factor into my thinking that she strongly doesn't want me to get hurt.

We discussed how she might need to make use of a concept we call "letting go with love," a kind of Buddhist effort not to try to let go of a situation where you're concerned about someone you love, but aren't in control.

Now I have to sign off, because we're going out for dinner and a movie.

Waiting for Godoctor

I got my MRI last night, last patient of the evening, at about 8:40. Only my legs went in the big ring. The hardest thing about the scan was not wiggling my goes during or between scans--if you ask my wife, she'll tell you, my toes wiggle all the time. It took all my martial arts discipline to keep them still, they felt so awkward.

I got a set of photos that I can't interpret in the slightest.

I'll see the doctor on Monday to find out what the story is.

On the positive side, my knee is improving, I do much better at flattening it, etc. The soft brace I'm wearing during the day helps a lot.

On the negative, it does still hurt, especially when I flex or extend it. And I worry about the psychological damage--will I always favor it?

Today, after not having worked out since I hurt the knee last Wednesday, I went to the gym downstairs from my office after work and had a boxing workout. I was very careful with the knee. I worked timed rounds on the speed bag (BUH-duh-duh, BUH-duh-duh, bloop....), in shadow boxing, on the heavy bag--jabbing, short and full cross, box-and-move. I also did four 30-second "shoeshine" rounds on the heavy bag, hitting as fast as I could for the full round, then resting a minute, in order to build up that anaerobic endurance I need. I did 120 crunches and 50 pushups. It was good to work out, and a good stress relief to hit the bag.

I'm reading a fascinating, well-written book, "A Fighter's Heart," which I'll try to address at some other time. NYT bestseller.